I can feel it in my bones. My time as a mother to one is slowly dwindling. Soon I will be torn between two sets of little hearts and hands that need their mama.
I will feel strained and pulled in ways I can’t imagine and I am fairly certain I will spend all my time thinking there is not enough of me to go around. I will simultaneously love and cuss most days. But even all that is not what has my stomach in knots tonight. In the blink of an eye the three years that felt like forever but now seem so short will be the only years I was a mother to just one sweet little boy. All of those sacred moments are almost over. That time and chapter is coming to an end.
It was all too easy to get use to our little life together. I have felt the calm and simplicity of rocking you to sleep when it feels as though the rest of the world is silent, I have soaked in the peace and quiet of the moments shared with just the two of us, I have laid with you for more naps than I can count and found myself staring at your soft face. I learned how to be a mom holding your hand. And now I find myself wondering if you will even remember a time before your brother existed, but a piece of me hopes you do. That you will carry a sliver of the memories I will forever cherish.
I have asked myself a million times if I could love anyone else as much as I love you (I am told most moms go through that) but once again you have been the one to show me that it is not only possible, but that I already do. I am the parent, but your big heart is always leading the way for both of us. Since finding out you would be a big brother you have done nothing but play the part beautifully. You have offered to share toys, you have hugged and kissed my belly, you have shown excitement and anticipation about your brother’s arrival. You have said his name with pride and you have boasted about how you will be the “big brother”. Having seen that I have tried to take my cues from you, my sweet boy, and remind myself that although there is something to be said for what is coming to an end, what this baby will add to our lives will more than replace it tenfold. The memories, the bond, and the years that will follow will be nothing short of miraculous. You will have a forever best friend, a best man beside you on your wedding day, and an unconditional love. I will get the honor of playing a referee, of watching my sweet boys challenge and grow each other, and of feeling double the pride in my heart as the two of you share your journey. I will get the peace of knowing that neither of you will ever be alone in this world.
So here is to toasting a chapter that is bittersweetly coming to an end and honoring the beautiful new beginning waiting for us.