Thoughts of a Bad Mom

Here are a few internal thoughts that will let you know if you are doing this motherhood gig right. If you have ever thought any of these things, you are on track!

Do I really have to share my ice cream? I mean sugar leads to diabetes so really I am doing them a favor. *eats the whole container while hiding in the kitchen pantry

If I eat these cheerios off their tray will they notice? Should I really be stealing cereal from a two year old? Come on, we all know honey nut is where it is at.

How long can I hide here before they find me? I only have 15 years, 7 months, 1 week, 2 days, 11 hours, 43 minutes, and 10 seconds before they are of age. I think I can survive in this closet that long.

Can I just give him the dog treat? Pick your battles mama, how bad can they really be? Say woof!

So sorry honey, we can’t listen to the gummy bear song anymore. Oh, well because the gummy bear died. He’s dead. *after I hunted him down and slowly ate him from limb to limb

No, I don’t know what happened to your Halloween candy. *buries wrappers at the bottom of the trash can

1,2, clean up the poo 3,4, kids make you poor 5,6, so many fits 7,8, how many plates can one mom make 9,10 never sleep again

Always ask yourself – years of therapy down the road – is it worth it? If the answer is yes, throw that third plate of dinner you made the toddler on the floor and proceed to open the front door and let said toddler escape. Count the hours it takes for a return. If the answer is no, go make the fourth plate to include pickles, ketchup, Doritos, cheerios, and olives. Basically all 5 food groups there.

A little whiskey on the gums never hurt anyone – my grandparents did it. *5 am = hungover toddler > teething

“Do you have any recommendations for a babysitter?” “Well I bounce back and forth between Paw Patrol and Daniel the Tiger.”

Golden rule – never repeat the internal thoughts to DHS.


The Table of Ages

How often do we find ourselves surrounded by groups of strong, intelligent, and extraordinary women? You might think the answer is not often, but I would beg to disagree. The reality is it happens everyday in our lives during ordinary moments, we are often just too busy to notice. We spend so much time focusing inward that we often overlook the occurrence whether it is a few drinks with the girls to a quick conversation when a co-worker opens their soul for just a minute and shows a glimmer of what’s inside.

Recently I had the honor of sitting around just such a table. I listened as jokes, life struggles, and accomplishments were exchanged over brussel sprouts and beer. You all know the table I am talking about and have probably found yourself there a time or two. This time was different though, perhaps I was different as I had recently undertaken several changes in my own life. I wasn’t just going through the motions of another social gathering, I was listening, really listening to each woman when she spoke and I was amazed when I found myself entranced as these women shared their stories. Some were of heartache, others of accomplishing goals, and some were full life stories – the kind that make you want to wrap the person sharing in a bear hug and tell them how beautiful they are for just having survived.

The real reason I believe this table tugged at my heart and felt so special, so unique was because it was representative of decades of life – from divorce, disappointment, love, laughter, pride, motherhood, loss. Gathered around this table were women in their 20’s, 30’s, 40’s, and 50’s. That’s a lot of life for one table to hold. How often do you find that age gap gathered in one sitting? Call it divine intervention but these women had all crossed paths with a beautiful soul who attracts the best beings into her life and here they were sharing their hearts with friends, some old and some brand new. All brought together in this one moment because of the paths crossed and traveled.

What I found in listening to these women was that strength, courage, resiliency – those traits are not something you are born with they are only forged through trials and tribulations. These women didn’t know me and maybe they never really will, but my perspective is forever changed because of them.

Slow down and take time to reflect on the amazing women in your network. Take a moment to thank them for just having survived, because even if it is unbeknownst to you, they have a beautiful story just waiting to be told. I guarantee you it is worth hearing and it will forever change the way you view them. It may forever change the way you view yourself.

In a recent conversation that led to this blog a friend asked me why I don’t like to share, really share the pieces of my life or more importantly the impact those pieces have on me, and I responded by saying “I don’t want people to look at me like I am broken.” To which she surprised me by saying “Do you feel broken?” At the time, I couldn’t answer her because deep down I knew the truth – that is the first word that comes to my mind when I think about who I am. And though I may be broken, I am so much more than that. I am passionate, and resilient, and stronger than even I realize sometimes.

Sometimes the broken pieces are the most beautiful pieces. Find someone and give them a chance to show you their beauty.

What Having It All Really Means

It’a an age old cliche, wanting to have it all. Having it all means different things to many people at various points in their lives, but for most women in today’s society it means the house, the partner, the kids, and the job. It means chasing those dreams, climbing that ladder, looking for the next raise, and always having the latest and greatest. As if that’s not enough, the other word for mom, guilt, keeps us working to achieve the perfect, but unattainable, work/life balance.

While most women (myself included) are eternally grateful for the Susan B. Anthony’s and Ida B. Wells’ of the world and every other activist who fought and suffered for our right to have it all, I have to be honest: having it all is exhausting. It kicks my ass at least four times a day (are you allowed to use that language in a blog? Ahhh, blame it on the wine).

It’s the reason I took up wine as my evening hobby. It’s the reason I feel like a small child dressed me everyday instead of the other way around. It’s the reason there is not enough time in the day and why I can’t possibly go out with that group of girlfriends for drinks.

Having it all means walking into a meeting with spit up on your blazer, finding diapers in your purse, and constantly having Cheerios thrown all over the back seat of that nice car. Having it all means sleep depravation, trading in showers for 20 minutes to catch a few Z’s (hello dry shampoo – don’t judge me, I know you hide your chocolate), and bags under your eyes. Having it all means dropping your toddler off on their toughest days and leaving someone else to repair their little soul. It means hoping someone else can love them enough in your absence and crying all the way to work because there is no one to repair your soul (hello waterproof mascara).

But here is the thing we seem to have forgotten: the only person expecting us to have it all is staring at us in the mirror. So mama, please stop killing yourself to have it all. If you stop holding me to that expectation, I won’t hold you to it either. You have everything you need.

What having it all really means is late night cuddles, mama hold my hand, just one more story please. It means watching little humans grow into amazing adults and knowing you are (at least partially) responsible for that. It’s crying a little on the inside but swelling with pride on the outside when they finally learn to do it themselves. It’s messy, and beautiful, and bittersweet all at the same time.

Having it all really means a full heart and unconditional love. I promise, that really is all you need mama.