My dearest husband,
Sometimes it is hard to find the right words. Sometimes I am not sure you will understand the vast range of emotions I can roll through in a five minute timespan. The mix of like and dislike, complete admiration and total disdain, the peaceful bliss and the total insanity that is marriage sometimes leave me at a loss for the right words or emotion.
Often I get so lost in the everyday to-do list that I forget to notice our marriage. I am wrapped in a mountain of activities, laundry, bills, jobs, baths, and bedtimes. I focus in so tightly on those things that our marriage takes a backseat to life. My anxiety, stress, and frustration lands on your shoulders – partly because you are there everyday and largely because you are, and always have been, my safe place. I know that you will carry the weight I throw at you and still love me even after the storm rages. I set unrealistic expectations and ask you to meet them because I know you are the one person in the world who will move mountains trying to obtain them for our family. You never fail (even on a bad day) to look at me like I am the strongest, most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I never say thank you for that…Thank you.
The truth is most of the time there is really no way you could have won, nothing you could have said, and nothing you could have done differently that would have been right. The issue wasn’t really about you, it was about me and the weight that sometimes overwhelms me. It’s the cold, hard reality and it isn’t fair.
Marriage has a way of breaking you down and building you up all in one breath. It will completely crush your heart if you let it, and oh boy have we come close a few times. I am sure of a few things though.
I am sure of our survival rate so far. We have survived young marriage. We have survived living off of ramen noodles and spaghetti o’s. We have survived minimum wage jobs and long nights of college classes. We have survived opposite shifts that left us like ships passing in the night. We have survived buying our first home. We have survived losses that I can’t put into words. Most notably, we have survived entering parenthood together. We have survived the best and worst days of our lives with each other as the co-pilot.
I am sure that you make me laugh. Not just a one of the small, giggly laughs, but a full belly laugh until you cry or pee your pants kind. No one else has ever pulled that out of me. I am sure that your sense of humor was made to pair with mine and that my heart is the lightest in a moment when we share the most ridiculous inside joke that no one else would find even slightly funny.
I am sure that you are the dad I had always imagined for my children. There is no one I would rather them learn from. I know without a doubt that if our boys become even half the husband you are that their partners will be very lucky. I am so proud of the father I have watched you become and I’m sorry it gets lost in my complaints about you refusing to clip nails or clean ears.
I am sure that we love each other even at our worst. You have seen me ugly cry with snot all over my face and smeared makeup but you still lean in for a snotty kiss. I have seen you lose your calm, passive demeanor you always carry but have still reached for your hand in that moment.
I am sure that there is no one I would rather eat ramen noodles with, scream at while birthing a child, or kick in the middle of the night to get out of bed. I am sure that everyday I love you more for dealing with the craziness of life, for being the family man you are, and for being the kind of man I always needed. I know without a doubt you are everything I could have hoped for and so much more. I am certain that on my worst days you are my saving grace. I am sure that you often treat me like I am the one that holds our family together and keeps the wheels turning, but I also know as humble as you are you are totally oblivious to the fact that you hold me together.
I don’t say it enough, but I am so proud of the man, husband, and father you are. I am your biggest fan and always will be. I am sorry it gets lost in the everyday. I promise someday it will get easier. In the meantime, I will try a little harder to remind you of the good I see and ignore those dirty dishes in the sink.
Love always,
Your loving wife