My Dearest Husband

My dearest husband,

Sometimes it is hard to find the right words. Sometimes I am not sure you will understand the vast range of emotions I can roll through in a five minute timespan. The mix of like and dislike, complete admiration and total disdain, the peaceful bliss and the total insanity that is marriage sometimes leave me at a loss for the right words or emotion.

Often I get so lost in the everyday to-do list that I forget to notice our marriage. I am wrapped in a mountain of activities, laundry, bills, jobs, baths, and bedtimes. I focus in so tightly on those things that our marriage takes a backseat to life. My anxiety, stress, and frustration lands on your shoulders – partly because you are there everyday and largely because you are, and always have been, my safe place. I know that you will carry the weight I throw at you and still love me even after the storm rages. I set unrealistic expectations and ask you to meet them because I know you are the one person in the world who will move mountains trying to obtain them for our family. You never fail (even on a bad day) to look at me like I am the strongest, most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I never say thank you for that…Thank you.

The truth is most of the time there is really no way you could have won, nothing you could have said, and nothing you could have done differently that would have been right. The issue wasn’t really about you, it was about me and the weight that sometimes overwhelms me. It’s the cold, hard reality and it isn’t fair.

Marriage has a way of breaking you down and building you up all in one breath. It will completely crush your heart if you let it, and oh boy have we come close a few times. I am sure of a few things though.

I am sure of our survival rate so far. We have survived young marriage. We have survived living off of ramen noodles and spaghetti o’s. We have survived minimum wage jobs and long nights of college classes. We have survived opposite shifts that left us like ships passing in the night. We have survived buying our first home. We have survived losses that I can’t put into words. Most notably, we have survived entering parenthood together. We have survived the best and worst days of our lives with each other as the co-pilot.

I am sure that you make me laugh. Not just a one of the small, giggly laughs, but a full belly laugh until you cry or pee your pants kind. No one else has ever pulled that out of me. I am sure that your sense of humor was made to pair with mine and that my heart is the lightest in a moment when we share the most ridiculous inside joke that no one else would find even slightly funny.

I am sure that you are the dad I had always imagined for my children. There is no one I would rather them learn from. I know without a doubt that if our boys become even half the husband you are that their partners will be very lucky. I am so proud of the father I have watched you become and I’m sorry it gets lost in my complaints about you refusing to clip nails or clean ears.

I am sure that we love each other even at our worst. You have seen me ugly cry with snot all over my face and smeared makeup but you still lean in for a snotty kiss. I have seen you lose your calm, passive demeanor you always carry but  have still reached for your hand in that moment.

I am sure that there is no one I would rather eat ramen noodles with, scream at while birthing a child, or kick in the middle of the night to get out of bed. I am sure that everyday I love you more for dealing with the craziness of life, for being the family man you are, and for being the kind of man I always needed. I know without a doubt you are everything I could have hoped for and so much more. I am certain that on my worst days you are my saving grace. I am sure that you often treat me like I am the one that holds our family together and keeps the wheels turning, but I also know as humble as you are you are totally oblivious to the fact that you hold me together.

I don’t say it enough, but I am so proud of the man, husband, and father you are. I am your biggest fan and always will be. I am sorry it gets lost in the everyday. I promise someday it will get easier. In the meantime, I will try a little harder to remind you of the good I see and ignore those dirty dishes in the sink.

Love always,

Your loving wife

 

Pregnancy Number Dos

I should start by being upfront about the fact that I HATE being pregnant. I truly believe that those women who tell you they could stay pregnant forever have some sort of mental disorder. If I could get the baby without the 9 month waiting period (my husband has reminded me several times that this is called adoption or surrogacy) – sign me up!  It is not that I am ungrateful for the chance to grow life because I feel blessed everyday to take the journey to motherhood that many are not able to but that doesn’t mean I have to love the experience of getting that beautiful life into this world.

There are a lot of things they don’t warn you about with the second pregnancy and this is in no way a comprehensive list…

Exhaustion: Sure, you were tired the first time around. But if you thought you were exhausted and impatient the first time try doing it while chasing after a toddler. Dragging them out the house screaming feels like a whole new level of torture when you are growing a life inside your womb. Wiping their butt for the tenth time in an hour when you feel like your back cannot stand for you to bend down one more time will make you want to scream at your child for pooping (your crazy mom is showing). It will make the first pregnancy look like a walk in the park.

Healthy Living: So you tracked the amount of protein you ate, made sure that you drank the recommended amount of water, and regularly went to the chiropractor the first time around…all I have to say here is HA! Forget regularly remembering to take the prenatal vitamins – you are too distracted in the morning shuffling a toddler out the door and at night your head hits the pillow and you forget your own name. Better set that phone alarm and get a good app to help you keep up.

Classes: This time around if someone asks me about child birth classes or a birth plan I have to look at them with a blank stare as if I don’t know what those words mean and hope that they do not press the issue. There is no pregnancy yoga the second time around either (even though your back could use it). Classes are for beginner schmucks anyway right? *Grits teeth*

Guilt: They also don’t mention the immense amount of guilt. One minute you are holding your sweet toddler and suddenly you are wondering if you have destroyed their life by having another baby. Will they feel forgotten or left out? What could you do to combat that? Will they hate the baby? Will this traumatize them for life and lead to so many unforeseen issues that they will forever blame on your having a second child? And the list goes on…

Bladder Control: Since I know you all want to know about bladder control – forget it, it is nonexistent. For those of you who are oblivious, you pee ALOT when you are pregnant the first time around. Then, after pushing something the size of a watermelon out, you pee every time you sneeze, jump on a trampoline, or if the weather man calls for a slight chance of rain. But if you think that is bad just wait until the second time around when you have to pee every 30 minutes even though you are only half-way through your pregnancy because this time your precious peanut has their butt shoved against your bladder which you no longer control because of the aforementioned watermelon.

The Fear: Everyone says the second child gets the shaft so you would think your fear is nonexistent because you don’t have time for it, but it is there and very overwhelming on an already hormonal, emotional pregnant woman. You fear for their health, you fear that you will screw them up because you can’t possibly be a great parent to two kids at once (I am barely surviving one!), you fear that you will not love them as much as your first, you will lay awake at night with all the fears inside your head…just like the first time around. But here is the kicker – that is what means you have what it takes. You definitely have your work cut out for you, but that fear will drive you to be the best parent you can (even in the moments where your partner is unavailable and you are outnumbered).

While I am overwhelmed with love for this babe and can’t wait to see his sweet face, I wish I could just skip this part and meet the next love of my life. For now I will just hunker down with my snacks and try to curve the level of crankiness I feel for the sake of my angelic husband who has only threatened to move me in with his grandma once so far (in my defense, the air conditioner went out on a 95 degree day and that would have made me cranky without the extra furnace who has taken up residence in my womb).

Not today, but someday, when my two boys are playing chase through the house after I have told them not to run at least twenty times, my heart will soar at the sound of their laughter and the knowledge that they will always have each other and I will know that it is all worth it.