You lock eyes with another mom across the room at daycare, in the aisle at the grocery store, or in the lobby at gymnastics and in her eyes you see something familiar, something you know all too well. It is a look that says, ‘I’m not getting enough sleep, my parenting is currently subpar, and I don’t have a single ounce to give.’ It is a look of pure exhaustion, but deeper than that…it is a look of defeat. In her eyes you see that today, today is a day of defeat. Hell maybe it has been a week or a month of defeat.
You see the way the weight of motherhood has worn her down. You see the way her mind is wandering off to how much laundry she has to do. You see her questioning if she is using the right amount of discipline to make her littles productive members of society without killing their spirit. You see her asking if she does enough, if she is enough. You want to hug her and tell her you understand but instead you give her a warm smile. These days, the ones where you feel the inadequacy, the lack of confidence in your parenting, these are the hardest days.
As you might have guessed by now if you are titling a blog post “The Days of Defeat” you yourself are probably, in fact, experiencing a day of defeat. This parenting gig is hard and as we all know by the title of my blog site “Directions Not Included” we get very little guidance. Can we just take a minute to say what a rip off that is for those of us would like a manual? When we were pregnant with our first I had a night I wanted to skip our childbirth education class. I’ll never forget the look of distress as my husband asked, “Can we do that? They won’t send the baby home with us if we don’t pass will they?” I laughed so hard I almost peed myself (don’t judge, I was very pregnant). I remember thinking how ridiculous it was at the time but now, reflecting on that question, I think he might have been the smartest person I know. Whose idea was it to send these tiny humans home with us and out into the world without a damn bit of guidance? And people wonder why the world is going to sh*t (sorry, I’ll try to keep it PG from here out).
I mean wouldn’t it be great if there was a book specifically designed for your child telling you what they need? Instead of 4 AA batteries it would read “requires 9-10 hours of sleep for optimal performance” and the other parents reading this laugh because we would still need directions on how to get these little monsters (I mean children) to sleep for 9-10 hours (some of us would settle for a 5 hour stretch). Instead of saying press here to reset it would say “if malfunctions, please let tantrum run it’s course in quiet, safe space without disruption unless harmful to self or others”. Instead of saying screw part A into B it would say “prefers the red cup to the blue cup for apple juice but reversed if drinking milk, will only eat three strawberries sliced diagonally off the yellow plate, and cheerios from the green (not blue green, green green) bowl”. What I wouldn’t give for a book to tell me the specific, perfect way to parent my children. Now some of you would sarcastically point out that there are PLENTY of books that give parenting advice. I have definitely enjoyed some of them and taken away a lot of information from articles, books, and sites with FACUTAL (keyword) based parenting information but my personal favorite was called, “The Sh!t No One Tells You”. True story and it’s a good read. The truth is though that those articles are based on statistics, studies, etc. They aren’t based on your real life child with their own personality and opinions (so many opinions….).
I digress. The days of defeat. We aren’t just talking about a hard day or a bad day, but the days where you lay down at night feeling like you are truly failing as a parent. The days when you let yourself worry about what is going to happen to them if you don’t make the right choices in guiding them. The days where you watch the news and see stories of drug use, abuse, rape, theft, corruption and you wonder if you are truly giving them the tools they need to be successful, kind human beings. Those days weigh heavy.
This one is for all the moms out there having a day of defeat or for all the moms who can read this and know exactly what kind of day I am referencing. You aren’t alone. You are wonderful. You are strong. You are intelligent. You have all the tools you need inside you. You are enough. As cliché as it may sound, the fact that you worry about being a good mom means you already are one. Read that again: You are already a good mom.
I’m in the business of growing little hearts and little minds right now and with that some days are just days of defeat. Have a glass of wine and get back to work mama.
Directions Not Included... 