Broken…that’s the word I use to describe myself. Unwhole, pieces, shattered, just broken. For years that has been the perception in my mind. My “broken” heart, my “broken” childhood, my “broken” family, and on, and on. In the last six months I have been on an amazing journey of self-discovery (or having a quarter-life crisis, whatever you want to call it) though and the best thing I have discovered is that I am not, in the least, broken. I am HEALING and what a miraculous difference there is between the two.
This is not an ending, it is a beautiful beginning. I am becoming the woman I was always, somewhere deep inside, meant to be. I am discovering or remembering all the pieces of myself that I had forgotten or never even knew existed. I am selfishly taking time to get to know who I am. I am spending time with the person who needs it the most. I am investing in my soul and already seeing the returns of that investment. My soul is on fire and what a beautiful thing that has been to watch.
I forgot that I love scary movies and haunted houses. I sat down and made a bucket list and learned I wanted to ride a motorcycle and that I wanted to learn to play the guitar. I want to see the ocean and feel the sand under my feet. I want to climb a mountain. I actually really like tattoos. Fitness matters a lot more than I thought it did to me. I forgot how much I love quotes, I could spend hours just pinning them. I forgot how eclectic my music taste could be if I give it that chance. I love photography and may even want to take a class in it. I am a terrible cooker and will never fit the mold for a perfect housewife. I want to go skydiving and feel myself free-falling.
In the last six months I have started meeting, getting to know, and falling in love with the most amazing woman and she has been right under my nose all along. It’s a beautiful relationship. So I will will no longer use the word broken. I will say I am healing. I am a survivor. I am a warrior. I am me and me is just right.
I”I finally understood what true love meant…love meant that you care for another person’s happiness more than your own, no matter how painful the choices you face might be.” – Dear John, Nicholas Sparks
Letting go is one of the hardest things to face in life. We are trained from a young age to hold tightly to anything and everything that matters. We carry that into adulthood and we continue to cling to the things that matter most to us. Sometimes we cling so tightly that we cannot even admit to ourselves when it is time to let go. We hold tightly to relationships, friendships, and ponytails even knowing in our hearts that they are no longer serving our own emotional wellbeing. (You all know a bad ponytail can be make or break you). We continue to give whole pieces of ourselves to relationships even when we are only receiving halves or less in return.
Why do we do that to ourselves? It’s unfortunate to think that we subject ourselves to so many things that no longer serve our own inner peace. I’ve heard it said that letting go of the past isn’t the hard part. It is letting go of the future we had envisioned that is the real struggle. I believe there is some truth to that. The past can’t be rewritten but we look to the future as a blank slate and when we come to the realization that we can’t write that story the way we envisioned it I think we begin to feel a sense of lost control. It is hard to know we are not the only ones in charge of how the story unfolds.
There comes a moment when we realize we have no choice but to let go of the future we had dreamed of so that we can somehow begin to create a new future. If we can muster up the strength and courage to let go of what is hurting our heart and soul we will find a path that heals us and allows us to start rebuilding. I challenge you to consider that if your soul is tired and restless that it might be time to consider letting go of some of the things holding you back in your life, even the things you are most terrified to let go of because you know it will hurt. It is time to start writing a new chapter. The process will undoubtedly be slow and painful, but I promise it will be worth it. I know letting go seems so difficult, impossible even – but it is not nearly as difficult as holding on. Today is the day my friend. Whatever it is that is keeping you from your inner peace, let go.
I found this gem just the other day. It was written for a 9th grade English assignment. I hope to meet this girl again someday and get to know her.
I am me.
There will never be anyone like me.
I am special and very unique.
I am an examiner, always wondering, thinking, looking, seeking,
Trying my hardest to find answers to questions not meant to be answered.
I am an energy well beyond my years,
With an out-going confidence, and smile always in my step,
And an undying happiness,
that although may falter, will never leave my side.
I am hugs, and sometimes tears.
I hide from the cruelties of the world, yet I hold nothing back.
I trust everyone, yet I fear them too.
Look deep in my eyes and you can see the colors of my soul,
The green with touches of brown and yellow,
Like a tree in the fall,
Never remaining the same because there’s no excitement in that.
I am the caterpillar, so strange, and unique,
But full of beauty, yet unseen.
I am a rose, so beautiful and gentle,
Yet with thorns that must be watched.
I am the sky, the sea, the earth,
And all the beautiful shades of blue that no one can name.
I am a free, happy, wild spirit,
Never meant to be tamed.
I am a child becoming an adult,
I am me, and me is just right.