Thoughts of a Bad Mom

Here are a few internal thoughts that will let you know if you are doing this motherhood gig right. If you have ever thought any of these things, you are on track!

Do I really have to share my ice cream? I mean sugar leads to diabetes so really I am doing them a favor. *eats the whole container while hiding in the kitchen pantry

If I eat these cheerios off their tray will they notice? Should I really be stealing cereal from a two year old? Come on, we all know honey nut is where it is at.

How long can I hide here before they find me? I only have 15 years, 7 months, 1 week, 2 days, 11 hours, 43 minutes, and 10 seconds before they are of age. I think I can survive in this closet that long.

Can I just give him the dog treat? Pick your battles mama, how bad can they really be? Say woof!

So sorry honey, we can’t listen to the gummy bear song anymore. Oh, well because the gummy bear died. He’s dead. *after I hunted him down and slowly ate him from limb to limb

No, I don’t know what happened to your Halloween candy. *buries wrappers at the bottom of the trash can

1,2, clean up the poo 3,4, kids make you poor 5,6, so many fits 7,8, how many plates can one mom make 9,10 never sleep again

Always ask yourself – years of therapy down the road – is it worth it? If the answer is yes, throw that third plate of dinner you made the toddler on the floor and proceed to open the front door and let said toddler escape. Count the hours it takes for a return. If the answer is no, go make the fourth plate to include pickles, ketchup, Doritos, cheerios, and olives. Basically all 5 food groups there.

A little whiskey on the gums never hurt anyone – my grandparents did it. *5 am = hungover toddler > teething

“Do you have any recommendations for a babysitter?” “Well I bounce back and forth between Paw Patrol and Daniel the Tiger.”

Golden rule – never repeat the internal thoughts to DHS.


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